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She ran, the flames building higher and higher behind her. She looked at the building that was once her home. An electrical outlet, the fireman had said. With a gasp, she realized her 6 month old son was still in there. Ignoring the fireman's cries to stay out of the building she ran to the entrance. She coughed as the thick black smoke entered her lungs. She entered the house, trying not to breathe. She dropped to a crawl, as the black, thick smoke threatened to consume her. It was so hot in there, she almost gave up and passed out. Just when she was about to pass out, she heard it, her son's terrified cries. She crawled to her son's bedroom. He was still in his crib, scared to death. It was a wonder and a miracle he hadn't inhaled any of that deadly smoke. She stood up and picked him up, and then dropped back to crawl on the floor. The worst was yet to come, for the fire had blocked her only way out. She was more afraid for her son's life than her own. All she could hear was her son's cries. The heat and the intensity of the fire was causing her to pass out... Then her survival instinct kicked in, and she shoved the crib away from the window that she had forgotten existed. She jumped out of the window onto the grass just as the fire blazed out of the window. She coughed and passed out. She awaked in the hospital where she was told that both she and her son were going to be just fine.
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The theme of this story that I chose was "Fire"
This is my entry for the
Prose Contest
This is my entry for the
Prose Contest © 2012 - 2024 Mommy-of-Ein
Comments6
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactIt's been a while since I did a critique around here so give me a moment to prepare myself. Allow me to slip on my pretentious asshole glasses and practice my critical vocabulary.
Ahem, abysmal, dreadful, torturous, abhorrent, abecedarian. Yeah I'm ready.
This piece is abecedarian. Your major mistake is a lack of context. It's hard for the reader to get behind a character when we don't even learn her name. Hell we know next to nothing about her so we have no emotional connection.
Then we have the failings in logic. How would the fire fighter know it was an electrical fire if the house was still burning? How the hell did figure it out, don't you need to actually examine the wiring or something? You don't just look at a fire and think "Yep, that's electrical, I can totally tell." It makes next to no sense and the line doesn't alter the story in any way so why include.
Secondly, why does she run in to save her son? There are trained fire fighters on scene who do that and will have a much higher rate of success. I mean I get it, she's desperate but there are usually people on scene to hold back hysterical people so they don't get in the way of the firefighters or get themselves killed.
Now the issue with the prose itself. You have mastered the art of telling instead of showing. Your descriptive vocabulary is absent and your story telling is bland. Blatantly telling us what's happening with no artistry, no eloquence is no way to catch our attention. It's as if you're relaying an event you watch, not telling us a story, there's no meat.
Technically its very 'meh'. There are no standout flaws but it's nothing impressive either. Misplaced commas and repetitive wordage make it a slogging read despite only being a single paragraph.
Your story has nothing unique about it. A woman runs into a fire and saves her son. Whoopdee fuckin' doo. You could have at least tried to do something interesting, instead you reinvented the wheel... Except it's a terrible wheel, like it's square or something.